Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.