I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.