i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
There is no try. There is only give up.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.