WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Shoo shoo! 😂
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.