well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Ovenable?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
🚲+physics = winner
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*