*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
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Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”