Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Where is your GOD now????
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
…żyje?