Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
why am I working on Labor Day
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did