Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Unexpected Judgment
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away