And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
You Might Also Like
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Yes my dude
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.