@joejwest COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
@AlottaInfo And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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@joejwest 
@NerishaLakha Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
@KentWGraham If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
@jjhartinger [happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
@Happydog___ Classic German Shepherd 😂
@UncleDuke1969 i smell a pulitzer
@amburgklur Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
@AnkCoupleTO [she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
@heatherlou_ I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
@SortaBad *slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”