And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

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Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes


I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”


[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.


Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.


Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome


one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague


My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.


My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.


I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too


[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao