@AlottaInfo

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

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@joejwest

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

@NerishaLakha

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

@KentWGraham

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

@jjhartinger

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

@amburgklur

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@AnkCoupleTO

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

@heatherlou_

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

@SortaBad

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”