[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
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My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*