I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
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New menu item
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
you have three unread messages
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
What personal space?
My dog