New menu item
You Might Also Like
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Cake safety first. Always.
me and my fake scenarios
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
LOL!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked