I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
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it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
This took me a second..
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.