Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
buying dead houseplants to save time
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?