My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
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Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.