Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
never ask a starfish for directions
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
gentlemen, hear me out
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I bet birds love this building.
