On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)