Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
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Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My kitchen overserved me.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”