Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for