The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant