“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
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Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I missed you with all my darts
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom: