Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
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7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.