My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.