Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.