Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I have two kinds of followers
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.