Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
mathematically impossible
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.