@WilliamAder

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

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@ch000ch

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

@galiamango

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

@jjhartinger

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

@noog

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

@fro_vo

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

@gerryhallcomedy

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@bizzymcgee

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

@JediGigi

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.