I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

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honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions


When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.


To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.


Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”


How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH


My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.


*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*



Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.


Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.