The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
LMAO
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]