“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

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[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”


incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs


Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.


My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny


Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”


GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish


If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.


Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ


DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?


Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried