Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
when dads have a rap battle
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.