Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I drew y’all a little something.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”