My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
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Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.