If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
You Might Also Like
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…