i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.