[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
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My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED