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ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.