My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
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ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.