Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir