“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
You Might Also Like
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.