Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.