Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday