1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
lmao
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.