I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door