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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

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@sixfootcandy

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

@MikeDrucker

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

@PhuckinCody

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

@Old_Pat_Bren

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

@joeldanger

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@SJKSalisbury

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

@XplodingUnicorn

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer