My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You Might Also Like
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance