Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”