Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Every time my phone rings
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”