[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Sing it!
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.