Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
A woman drives into a bar.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”