Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.