My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.