Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
LOL
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.