when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
You Might Also Like
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*