Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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The Compass
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.